


And To Dust Shall I Return

by parallaxis



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Also this is my first fic, Ambiguous f!Inquisitor, And let's not forget the horrible summary, Angst, Bad writing maybe, F/M, I warned you guys this is full on angst, Not Beta Read, Self-Blame, The inner circle is also here, for your imagination needs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 12:06:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4564026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parallaxis/pseuds/parallaxis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything was wrapped in silence, making the sound of his shattering heart clear as day as he held on to one final farewell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And To Dust Shall I Return

Skyhold was quiet, the only sounds that could be heard around its walls were the crunch of snow under a patrol's boots and the occasional whinny of a horse. Even Bull and the Chargers weren't immersed in their daily merrymaking, choosing instead to nurse their many bottles of ale and whispering among themselves every now and then.

Leliana's crows were no different, sensing the mood of the people around them, they have gone quiet as well. The only noise from the rookery were the flapping of wings as the Spymaster let out crow after crow to send Josephine's messages to the Inquisition's allies. Below, the library was empty, devoid of its daily patron. Further down, Solas added to the paintings on his murals, a picture of grief and anger, while another brew of tea sat untouched on his desk.

Vivienne and Sera were nowhere to be seen, secluded in their own rooms. Varric retired to his as well, not finding the energy and inspiration to finish his latest drafts.

Wood shavings fell to the stable floor, creating a small pile at Blackwall's feet. He held up the carved chunk of wood which now bore a woman's delicate curves and inspected his handiwork, then shook his head as he resumed carving. Just outside at the training yard, Cassandra hacked at a dummy, a worn expression on her face. The Seeker would grunt lowly every time she leaned on her left leg, a bandage wrapped around her thigh giving away the extent of her injury. She blamed herself, _if I was fast enough, if I was strong enough,_ she _would still be here._

All Dorian could do was pace in Cullen's office while he held his head low, grasping at the armrests of his chair until his knuckles turned white under his gloves. Each time he paused, he would curse in Tevene, then resume pacing. Cullen didn't understand how that helped, but he allowed it to continue, even if the mage was giving him a headache.

Both of them froze at the sound of a door opening, then stared at a runner as he came towards the Commander with a sealed envelope in hand.

"A letter for you, ser." The boy said, nerves clear in his eyes as Cullen's glare bore into him.

"Who's it from? And didn't I say that I am not to be disturbed today?" He took it anyway, not taking his eyes off the soldier's face until after he read his name written in flowing script.

"Apologies, ser, but a- a boy with strange..." He cleared his throat, looking to the side a little as he forgot, a sheen of sweat settling as he prepared to say the next bits of information, "He gave it to me and asked to deliver it. Said it was from... from the In-"

The Commander didn't even look at the boy as he interrupted, still enraptured by the way his name looked in  _her_ hand, "Thank you. You... may leave."

He barely acknowledged the boy's salute, only looking up when he felt Dorian touch his arm hesitantly. He looked curious, but apprehensive as well as he looked at the envelope. His friend knew the handwriting, Cullen thought,  _he sees- saw her write reports in the field every time._

Where did Cole get the letter? More importantly, why was it addressed to him? Why not Dorian or Cassandra or Varric? Why him?

"Would you like some privacy, Commander?" The Tevinter asked, this time without the teasing tone he usually spoke to him with, and with a worried expression to go along. Cullen hung his head, the envelope crumpling under his gloved hand as he spoke, "I... need to be alone, for now."

Nodding, Dorian withdrew from his side and made his way to the door, stopping only when he felt the steel knob under his hand, "If you need anything, Cullen..."

As his name trailed, Dorian pulled open the door and left, quietly closing it behind him and leaving Cullen with the envelope. Fumbling with a knife as he cut it open, he carefully pulled out the sheets of paper within, laying them open on his desk and smoothing out wrinkles his hand created. With a few breaths, he finally mustered the courage to pick them up and began to read.

 

_Cullen,_

_First of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you, Leliana, Josephine, and Cassandra to take care of the Inquisition. I'm sorry for having this letter prepared long before you're even reading it._

_However way I died; dragon bit my head off, giant crushed me with a rock, assassin killed me in my sleep; don't be upset. Know that I left this world with a smile on my face and a skip to my step as I slap the Maker and his Bride in one fell swoop. And with that written, add blasphemy to the ways I may have died._

_If it seems like I'm too lighthearted about the prospect of my death, that's because I am. I have accepted it, way back in Haven, and I think so should you and everyone else._

 

Even dying was a joke to her, Cullen mused, a sad smile forming at her familiar tone. He could almost hear her voice in his head, dictating the words she, herself, had written.

 

_Now, you must be thinking, why write to you? I couldn't think of a reason why it was your name that my hand wrote out, but now I could. At first it was just so simple, but now... Maker, I can't believe I'm saying this now, right when I'm probably am looking death in the eye after I spit on its face._

_I love you. Andraste preserve me, I love you. I'm so so sorry to burden you with this, but Maker, I love you so much. Forgive me if I couldn't say it to your face, that I hide behind words and my own doom._

_I am such a coward._

 

He froze, eyes widening as he unconsciously lost grip of the sheets of paper. She... loved him?

Cullen fell back on his chair, brushing his hair back with his hand. But of course, why hadn't he seen it before? The flirting, the secret smiles, the daily visits; they all made sense now. He felt like an idiot for not getting the hints, but an extremely small part of him was angry at  _her_. Why hadn't she told him? Why wait until she was dead? Those thoughts kept swimming in his head as he snatched the letter again to continue reading.

 

_I was afraid, Cullen. Still am. Afraid that I would fall and never be caught, no matter how terrible that sounded, so I kept it all bottled up. But as I write, everything I've held in is flashing before me like an epiphany, and all I see is you, you, you. It may sound sappy, but this is what I really feel. Maker, I feel so afraid and sad and angry. Angry that I didn't have the courage to tell you. Sad that we didn't even have a chance. Fuck, I'm sorry for putting this all on your shoulders. I'm sorry I was a fool. I'm sorry that I'll still be gone when you finish reading this._

_I'm sorry that I was too late to tell you that I love you._

_Maybe in another life, we could have been, but not this one. I'm so fucking sorry._

_Goodbye, Cullen._

_Your Inquisitor_

 

He couldn't move. He could only stare at the last words she had written. Her final farewell. As if putting in her formal title would ease the hollowness he felt in his chest.

All of a sudden, he stood so forcefully that his chair tipped and fell behind him, creating a wooden noise that he barely heard. He crumpled the letter with shaking hands then threw it to the farthest corner of his office. He then tore off his gloves and dropped them on the floor, as if they were toxic for having touched the parchment he just tossed.

Why was it so unfair? He thought, hands planted on his desk as he caught himself.

"It's so fucking unfair!" Cullen screamed, the items on his desk flying with a sweep of his arms. Glassware shattered, ink bottles spilled on the floor, candles snuffed out, and paperwork drifting down to join the carnage below. There were footsteps on the other side of his door as his things clattered away, and a soft knock that almost couldn't go through the thrumming in his ears.

"C-commander? Is everything alright?" It was one of his men, probably patrolling nearby and heard the noises from inside. The only reply he got was a muffled groan and a short bark of an order, telling him to leave. Not needing to be told twice, he stuttered an apology and sped away, intent on avoiding the Commander's temper.

Inside, Cullen sat with his back against the ladder to his loft, tears unconsciously streaming down his face. He gave a quick glance at the crumpled papers at the far end of the room just in front of him, then immediately bowed his head into his uncovered hands. He hoped it was a sick joke. He  _prayed_ it was. He prayed that if he shut his eyes tight enough, he'd open them to the sight of  _her_ face, and then he'd reach out and kiss her, modesty be damned.

But each time he did, all he could see was the taunting crumpled ball with her words peeking out at him.  _I lov_ was all it spelled out, but Cullen knew what it meant. He shouted as he buried his face in his hands again, because he knew then that the Maker was toying with him. Over and over, he shouted until his throat felt raw and still he continued.

His angered shouts drowned out all the silence that engulfed Skyhold hours before as the Inquisition mourned their Inquisitor, and nobody dared to disturb a man grieving his broken heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello! Thanks so much for reading until the end (opening this even)! This is the first thing I have ever posted anywhere and I know that it's kinda bad (especially the ending), so I'm kinda nervous about how it's been received. Please tell me what you think, that I may gather the courage to possibly post more (hopefully improved) fics! Thank you so much again!


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